Whirlwind Romance & implications

This is food for thought  for youngsters & olders alike...

Can A Whirlwind Romance Ever Go The Distance…?

The stages of a relationship can go like this: You meet. You form an instant attachment. You fall in love. You decide you can’t live without each other. You make a firm commitment to live together or any mutually agreed terms.

For couples swept up in a whirlwind romance, those stages can happen within weeks or months. Partners declare their love to the world very quickly, and then sprint down the aisle towards a life of wedded bliss. Except it doesn’t always last a lifetime, as shown by the recently reported split between Cheryl and Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini – who married after knowing each other for a matter of months, and separated after 18 months of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. So, can a whirlwind romance ever last? Can love at first sight lead to happy ever after?

Understanding the stages of relationships can give some insight into where you are in your partnership, and what to do if cracks start to show.

The romance stage of a relationship

The romance stage, at the very beginning, is exciting and intoxicating. You’ll want to spend all your time with your new partner, forging ever-closer physical and emotional bonds, ignoring any faults, and generally feeling flushed with love. You’ll begin to say ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, as you begin to hope and feel the other person meets all your needs. There may be a sense of wanting to ‘merge’ as one. The attachment patterns you formed as a child (generally, a need for closeness/intimacy, or a need for separation/autonomy) may play out in this new romantic relationship. But you may not be aware of those patterns just yet. Not while you’re busy looking adoringly into each other’s eyes.

The disillusionment stage of a relationship

When the romance stage starts to dissipate, the seemingly strong foundations to the relationship can start to crumble. Disillusionment can kick in as you realise your other half isn’t quite so perfect. Maybe you don’t laugh at the same things any more. Perhaps your partner’s cute little quirks start to become annoying. You may start to fear that your partner can’t meet all your needs after all. You might want to spend more time with your friends again, needing some time apart from your relationship. Or you may worry that your partner doesn’t love you enough and you start to become clingy.

The ‘power struggle’ stage of a relationship

It’s often the need for intimacy (together time) versus the need for autonomy (alone time) where the power struggle in a relationship can start. One partner’s attachment style means he or she needs to be close to feel OK. The other partner may need more time alone to feel OK. You may have projected the idea of your perfect partner onto your real partner, and the real person may not be able to live up to that ideal. Often, this ‘power struggle’ stage sees the playing out of childhood wounds and needs that were never met by early caregivers.

It can be disappointing and distressing when the honeymoon period is over and disillusionment sets in. The power struggle can leave one person resentful and suffocated, and the other person feeling lonely and abandoned. For some couples, it’s too much and they abandon ship before ever reaching shore. For others, it can be a time to take stock and talk to each other to negotiate where things go next. If you’re the partner needing autonomy, it may be time to take a step towards intimacy and arranging to spend more time together as a couple. If you’re the partner needing intimacy, it may be time to allow the other person some breathing space. In other words, it may be about putting your own needs to one side in order to understand what the other person wants from the relationship. It may involve acknowledging that you are both different, and find ways to manage the inevitable conflicts that will arise.

How couples counselling can help a relationship in crisis

It can take at least two years for an intimate relationship to become established. The expectations of a whirlwind romance may not last. It may be difficult to come to terms with the romance stage being over, but that doesn’t mean you have to let your relationship drown in the disillusionment stage. However, if you find yourself tempted to throw in the towel, it sounds as though you could benefit from seeing a couples counsellor.

Couples counselling can offer a life raft to a relationship that seems to be sinking, and help you negotiate the power struggle stage. A couples counsellor can facilitate the process of helping you both get to know one another on a deeper, truer level – now that the ‘ideal’ mask of the romance stage has slipped, it could be time to reveal the real you. Couples counselling can help you understand your differences and your similarities – so, for example, you can feel more sympathetic when your partner needs more alone time and you need more together time. You can come up with an agreed plan so you both feel loved and supported, without resentment creeping in because you don’t feel your needs are being met. It’s about working as a team, agreeing what works for both of you, rather than taking up rival corners in the ring and scoring points off each other.

Couples counselling, crucially, can help you with communication issues. Learning tips and techniques to communicate with each other warmly and effectively –rather than escalating into argument – can go a long way to building stronger foundations for your future together. At the heart of any successful relationship is the bond of emotional trust between you. Couples counselling can help you navigate the waters of trust and mistrust, to agree a framework that helps you both feel secure and also free to be yourselves within your partnership.

Support is out there, so don’t let the power struggle stage eclipse what’s good about your relationship. Couples counselling can not only help you through this difficult phase, but the process can help you remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place.

My PhD journey - Self reflection & what I learned!

Why Ph.D.?
There are a number of reasons why someone would consider pursuing a Ph.D., but there are two that I believe are particularly compelling. On the one hand, there must be a desire to be intellectually challenged and directed by a recognized expert in your field, or a passion for study (growing understanding and knowledge). On the other side, there can be a particular subject, philosophy, or issue that piques your interest. Both of these factors are present in the majority of persons. 

In some situations, the aspiring Ph.D. applicant may have already worked in academic research (say as a research assistant for a project) or done considerable research on the subject. In such circumstances, selecting a topic appears to be a simple task, with the added burden of making it marketable or developing an appropriate theoretical and methodological framework. My doctoral career began long before I submitted my application. It all started in my head as I pondered why I wanted to pursue a Ph.D. I was intrigued by the knowledge I got from my MBA, and I wanted to know 'how' to maximize Malaysian SMIs Managers' job performance in the manufacturing sector with the moderating role of talent management practices.

Motivation
The first challenge I had during my Ph.D. journey was staying motivated for the duration of my program. The truth is that some people will have days when they are completely unmotivated. Most Ph.D. students have days, if not weeks when they believe they chose the incorrect topic. This is unavoidable and a necessary part of the process. As a result, while it is critical that the topic you choose is one that you are passionate about, there are other factors that will affect your ability to complete your thesis. When picking a topic, the first thing to evaluate is "how viable is it for a Ph.D. project?" If you're anything like me, you may have started your Ph.D. with an overly ambitious topic and struggled to narrow down your research subject. The important thing is to reduce the "huge topic" into a "manageable" research question.

That is something supervisory teams and other successful academics attempt to tell Ph.D. candidates on a regular basis. Unfortunately, some candidates have difficulty accepting this. Flexibility is a valuable asset to have during a research project, especially one as long as a Ph.D. During the thesis writing stage, you will face numerous challenges. Some will be difficult to handle, so be willing to change your topic. Perhaps you intended to apply a specific conceptual framework but realized it wouldn't work in your situation (or cases). Your supervisory team will have to decide whether to amend the case or the framework.

Your study will be driven by your topic, which may need to be tweaked or changed to match the reality and context of your setting, data collection technique, and other factors. This is natural, although it may cause confusion or research sluggishness. At the beginning of my research trip, I was so eager to inform everyone about my research that by the second year, I realized my passion and enthusiasm had waned, and I avoided any talk about my topic. I was perplexed by the plethora of approaches and concepts offered to me in an attempt to provide a succinct answer to the key question, "What is your Ph.D. study about?"

Be humble that you do not know enough!
I realized I wasn't an expert yet and still had a lot to learn; this is an important stage of acceptance and learning to cope with the frustration of trying to understand your study goal or target. If you're feeling overwhelmed by a plethora of academic discourse in your research, you're not alone. The important thing is to get started and to be willing to expand your studies as time goes on. By all means, sticking to your well-crafted topic and relevant research question will provide a smooth and well-defined journey. However, make sure you can act quickly if they don't link or make sense without feeling like you're abandoning your original objective.

My Ph.D. adventure has been unlike anything else I've ever done before. I felt like an octopus on skates attempting to keep my balance while traveling through an unfamiliar area when I first started. Nothing quite prepares you for a Ph.D. like actually completing one. I recognized areas where I lacked ability or knowledge and sought help as soon as possible. I then applied myself to learn knowledge and grow in those areas. The transition to my Ph.D. was aided by Multimedia University, FOB faculty doctoral training courses, which provided me with a greater grasp of how to engage in academic research and the skills I required to construct a research project. I needed to increase my computer skills, such as utilizing MS Word and Excel, and learning how to use the internet, as well format my document.

Self-Discovery
My Ph.D. path has been a journey of self-discovery, as I've discovered skills and qualities I didn't realize I possessed. Organization and planning, time management, and balancing with academic pursuits were all essential abilities that allowed me to complete my Ph.D. while maintaining a healthy social life. It's critical to have a solid support system in place (for me, it was my sister’s family).

I created deadlines for my study, as well as weekly and monthly targets, and rewarded myself by watching movies with my peers when I met a goal or milestone. Of course, completing and closing up my Annual Monitoring Report and accompanying documentation was a fantastic benchmark for my Ph.D. journey. My Ph.D. path has sparked various markers of self-maturity in the research arena, specifically the ambition for a career in academia, in addition to personal development. Prior to going on this adventure, I remembered that I couldn't create a high-quality research proposal or read peer-reviewed articles since I found them to be exceedingly uninteresting and difficult to comprehend.

It’s 1% Inspiration, 99% perspiration & Need for support
To meet the required standard, I had to revise my proposal a few times. I had to do my work completion defense twice. It’s a total nightmare but managed to go through on the second attempt. My VIVA went smooth but had to do major corrections before can be accepted. I find UK Proofreading and editing services came to my lifeline support to provide expert and professional service in providing timely consultation in completing required changes in my thesis before submitting it for final approval. I must extend my heartfelt appreciation and gratitude to Dr. Thavamaran of UK Proofreading and editing services for this to happen.

Never-ending knowledge
I’m continuing reading now, even though my research is finished because my Ph.D. journey has taught me that learning and research are never-ending experiences and that one should never stop learning and studying simply because one's Ph.D. journey is ended. Depending on your chosen vocation, the completion of one journey is actually the start of another life-long learning adventure. So, as a Ph.D. student, what are your responsibilities?

Based on my previous experience, I believe the following factors are critical for success and preventing early dropout:

1. Be modest and adaptable enough to follow your supervisory team's leadership, recognizing that their success is just as essential to them as it is to you. I was humble and adaptable enough to recognize that research can and will alter during the early stages because nothing is set in stone.
2. Set realistic goals: The Ph.D. is mostly driven by the student, so consider whether you can work remotely and independently. Are you ready to be attached to your computer as if it were your best friend, supervised by supervisors you only see via email and infrequent visits? I was lucky enough to have my supervisor’s office adjacent to my postgraduate office.

3. Maintain a healthy work-life balance, especially if you're married with children.
4. Examine your career goals realistically, because the Ph.D. program will prepare you to be a researcher and an academic, requiring you to review literature, identify a research problem, determine a research methodology, follow and implement the methodology, present your findings, and then write a thesis that summarises all of your arguments and demonstrates your efforts over the previous three to four years of your life. If you're interested in learning these "how to's" and want to work as a researcher or academic in the future, this is the road to take. However, if you're thinking of something else, you should consider it carefully.
5. Set goals or milestones that are realistic and attainable. Aside from the school's programs, you'll need your own personal program to keep you on track. Reward yourself whenever you achieve a goal or milestone. If you let it, a Ph.D. may govern and control your life, so give yourself a special reward or 'cool off time' once you've completed a milestone and gather yourself before moving on to the next one.
6. To give yourself enough time to manage the data collection and analysis phase, try to collect your data as soon as possible. This phase, even more so than the data collection process, can be quite laborious.
7. When you start writing, keep a reference list handy and structure your paper in the proper manner. You might want to try using the "cite while you type" feature or Mendeley tool. Don't put it off till the last minute — I learned the hard way. Save and back up your work in multiple locations – I learned this the hard way! – and make sure draft versions are preserved properly.
8. Finally, a Ph.D. requires patience and dedication. As a result, you must be self-motivated, as the procedure may take longer than expected. As a result, you'll need to know how to rekindle your enthusiasm while avoiding burnout. Your motivations must be powerful.

Understanding life 2

No matter how hard you try to please someone or be good to them in life, be it, friends or family members, they smile and sweet talk in front of you but at the back, they may frown or indulge in downgrading your character.

They will always see the negative side of you. They never see the good things you have done for them. So, never try to please anyone. Once a good deed is done, reciprocate. Even then don't expect they will not stop talking bad about you.

Nevertheless, just be as what you are. Keep moving up the life ladder without looking down. Divine knows your intentions. Keep up the energy.

Understanding life 1

Have you ever felt that there will be a time you started to see the real hidden character of people you're connected with you who talk and portray or treat you caringly but behind their fickle mind actually loothes you, have strong bad opinions about you. You thought all these while they are super nice to you. The very individuals that you put on high esteem, you praise and talk highly about them and their contribution towards your growth or well-being but actually behind those veiled ignorant emotional mind these related person goes around expounding their deep down cringing, dissatisfaction and out right condemnation expressed to others about their hidden feeling when their expectations are not met one way or another.

Once you came to know about this, how would you feel? Dismay, shocked and demoralized, saddened? You at last will never see how that relationship will move forward strongly. No matter how they treat you nicely the next time, you know deep down in your heart that it's a fake thing. Never the same again..This is how friendship and family relationships deteriorate towards discontinuity thereafter. Deep down yourself, you have never had any bad intentions, harming thoughts, or disrespecting but did all possible things within your means and capacity at that time.

Thank the divinity to show you their actual mindset. These are the things they don't teach you in schools or institutions. Life experience grinds you to mature to see how souls relate to one another and unravel their true colors.In the end, you have just realized relationships, be it friends or blood ties are just illusions and temporary. Each soul experiences a life journey on its own term. No matter what come may, you just appreciate everyone's support and help rendered, wish them well, pray for their good wellness. You had to move your life on a different path not create further animosity. You realized you cannot depend on anyone but your own spine and self-belief!

Finally done my PhD graduation

 

One of my lifetime passion to complete a PhD degree in management field.. 

We made it to the top!

 We tracked to the peak of Mount Dato' in 2016 to release stress from research work. Not sure if we could climb this mountain at this age and with no prior proper preparation except for occasional campus walk could we make it? 

Its not so difficult mountain to climb for the youngsters but for us whom are already 4 series and 5 series, body condition are not up to the mark.Anyway decided give it a try.

Going up is really a challange, Mustaffa, the youngest seemed quite at ease,  Soong dragging on his feet but steady.  I am the oldest and weakest body plus with  low stamina, lagged behind. Heavy feet and trying hard to keep up with both of them. 

I felt like giving up halfway. Both my buddies cajoled me to move on. Exhausted ,drained, I was on verge of  throwing the towel - done with it. Mental thought keep pooping up saying, " You ask for it right ?", chidding within me. "Why on earth you wanted to climb a mountain at this age, you moron?" 

" You came here with a purpose, you decided it, none forced  you" "A passion in corner of your heart to do something that you yearned to fullfill since childhood "  The little fighter in me recharges!! 

" Don't bother, keep your passion aflame, go and get it no matter what. it's your dream alone.Finished it "

I heard a slow voice from Soong, " bro keep walking, dont give up". Mustaffa already at the final stage before reaching the peak, waiting for us. 

Step by step I did manage to reach half an hour later.  I told myself " Just a little more I can reach the peak" Felt little motivated at least.

The final climb to peak is tricky, dangerous and scary. I have reached mount Tahan, the tallest and toughest mountain in peninsular Malaysia at the of 20. This is much lesser mountain but realized the age I climbed is far distance a part. "Can I doit?"

After resting,  we decided the final onslaught to the peak. Need to climb almost 100 meters ladder rope before making it to flatter point before peak. I decided to go first as Mustaffa showed hesistancy at this climb because too steep and wobbly strong ladder. I managed to overcome the initial fear to the safe point, Next Soong tried and managed to clear. Finally Mustaffa overcame that height fear and managed to get it there. 

Walking towards the peak now just a brisk walk and easy. We made it together!!  determination , perseverance and patience helped tremendously. 

Looking back now, we managed to finish our Ph.D in the same year though starting at different time and phase. We are from different backgrounds, country but with one single goal in mind, to finish what we aim for. Reaching the peak is a bonus. We cherish wonderful moments in reserch office, going bonkers doing thesis, burnt midnite candles till took toll on our bodies.

Thank you Mustafa Hassan Ibrahim Elsafi and Soong Kai Kit and all my PG1 and PG2 buddies for support and encouragement. To all the supervisor, specially  my Supervisors Dr Almansor and Dr Rizal thank you from bottom of our hearts. Also to Proff Alsadiq for kind assistance and support at all times.  Extend our heartfelt appreciation to MMU FOB and IPS staffs too. 

Wish my buddies who are still climbing the mountain, keep going, no to giving up. Take your pace but keep moving forward.  You will be there for sure. See you guys on the top!!

Reason why being 57 years young is awesome

Since there are so many people around  are suffering from age crisis( a 55 year  old and 19 years old, to name a few) I have recently thinking my own impending age quite a bit. I am 57 today.  They say 50 is still the new 30. I reacon 50 is still 50, too, and thats right. 

Here are some of my reasons why being 57 is not only allright, but can be awesome, too.

1. While there are some thing I cannot do because of my age,  there are so many more I still can. Its not too late do start to learn new skills like learning new language, arts & drawing etc. Continue old passion that you have stopped before once again. 

2. I read the secret of being happy is adopt the role of an old wise person. That is keeping your mouth shut up, only offer your wisdom and advice when needed and asked. Its a bygone era where youngsters listen to elders. Interfere only when invited. So instead of talking to them better write or blog your thoughts. 

3. Age tells very little about a person. I find that we spend more time thinking about age.  Also, when we think about our age, what is it we really think about? The number of time we still have on this planet?  Our accomplishments?  Our age-related health issues? Whatever it is, you shoud not be thinking about it. You are you, whatever your age. 

4.Getting older does not only bring losses, it bring gains, too. At this point of my life,  I have said many goodbyes, but also keep getting new hellos.

5. You realize whatever happened in your life is just a mere experience on physical plane you should cherish, but also very much illusionary on mental plane. You are insequential to the universe. Your existence is just a spark of a quark. So don't be carried away in Ego. Learn to say sorry and forgive others who had done bad things to you. Learn to let go. 

6. I dont have to live to anyones expectation at this age except to keep myself healthy to the best possible way. It's  almost a retiring age,  but the mind still sharp to learn new knowledge. The challenges are to keep self improvements at all the time. Financial fulfillment can be a stress factor at this age. If you have no finance security back-up,   better try to restart your money engine to generate abudance of income. A new potential area you could pick up to learn. 

7. The solace you get in being alone and aloaf at this age. You are not worried about others who have achieved better results in life than you do. It doesnt make any difference in the end. You could live within. Not necessarily need to globe trote the world over to show how far you have gone. Its awesome time to explore your own innerself.

8. I still do have wonderful childhood/ teenage friends, buddies who I can count on in keeping an eye on my health and life upkeeping from a far.

9. Not to forget family members, relatives, teachers, catalyst, guides and spiritual preceptors who had helped me & molded this not so perfect invidual to current kevel of existence. My gratitude and appreciation to all these sparking souls. 

10. Contenment creeps in at this point age. Somehow I dont care much about others opinion, high dramas exhibited by people around  me for sure. There are no competitions to test my ability. I become more observant than keen participant. Its a luxury nevertheless. 

11. So, get still, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say hi to the wonderful age of you.